diary ^____^

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Sunday / April 20th / 12:06 A.M.
Yesterday was really fun! I woke up early to volunteer for an event at school and got to hang out with my boyfriend (yes crush to boyfriend oh my gosh!!!!!) too so it was a pretty good day. He put his arm around me <333333333
9:58 P.M.
I’ve been thinking a lot about purpose and what mine is in life ever since realizing that I can’t afford to go to college straight away. By now, I’ve accepted that I’m going to community college (dear god just writing this makes me remember how privileged I am to have this be my biggest predicament) and that I’m going to have to plan the next few years of my life towards saving up to go to a 4-year and get my own apartment. It’s been kinda hard to get anything done because I’ve had to admit that my main motivation for being such an overachiever for the past for years was because I thought I was gonna go to a university straight away— and now that that’s kinda done and over with, I see no reason to put in as much effort as I used to.
I’m trying to gain back that sense of purpose because not only do I miss it, I also still have shit that I need to do and as I grow older it’s piling up quickly. Job, driver’s license, planning out my future, etc. etc. etc. in addition to my school responsibilities and my own aspirations for my hobbies because I don’t want those to die out just because I “won’t have enough time”. I WILL make time for myself!!!!! Anyways, I was watching a video on Youtube about creating more than you consume, and it reminded me that I still have quite a ways to go when it comes to that— but more importantly it reminded me that I should do things with a purpose. Every single thing. And while, like most advice, it’s easier said than done, it reminded me that lately I’ve been doing everything on autopilot. Listening to music, doing my work, practicing my instruments; I’m doing it all without truly thinking about how or why I’m doing it. So I guess this entry is just a reminder to be more purposeful with everything I do in order to build a true sense of purpose to my life outside of academic validation?? haha…

Saturday / April 12th / 7:52 P.M.
Today was Pikmin Bloom’s community day, and the badge was a canola flower! I had to record my walk for my online P.E. class, but because my phone kept on overheating and losing connection, the recording reset twice! But I did end up going down a path I’d never seen before and waded through a nearly knee-high grassy field with this super huge log, so that was pretty cool. I got my 10,000 steps in for sure.
I didn’t do much else today, but yesterday I did go see the Minecraft movie with my friends. It’s definitely the kind of movie that you need to see with others and in a theater filled of teenagers. How else are you going to get that true “CHICKEN JOCKEY” experience?? Chants aside, I genuinely enjoyed the movie. I kinda wish that they would’ve referenced more of the game’s soundtrack instead of just “Minecraft”, but hearing it occurring again and again was a very joyful experience. That may just be the nostalgia talking, but still I really liked it. When I first saw the trailer, I thought that I wouldn’t like it because I found the graphics lowkey revolting, but then my crush said he was really excited to see it (he still hasn’t seen it lol), and then I got excited to see it because I’m a spineless person haha… Seriously though, I really enjoyed the Minecraft movie. It’s the kind of movie that I would encourage parents to show their children. Especially because they’re the actual target audience… I also like that they brought up so much stuff from the game that I kind of just gloss over now because I’ve seen it so many times before, or if they bring up stuff that rarely occurs (spider/chicken jockeys, mobs with enchanted weapons) because it kinda makes it feel as scary as Minecraft used to when I was a kid. Not that I don’t find it scary anymore, but it’s that kind of fear that you only feel as a child because what else was scarier at the time than getting killed by a hostile Minecraft mob?
Thursday / April 10th / 8:35 A.M.
Senioritis is one hell of an -itis.
Monday / April 7th / 8:44 A.M.
I’m blasting my earbuds so that I don’t have to hear my classmates talk about the dorms at the colleges they’re going to. I mean this in a half-joking, bittersweet, trying-to-keep-it-lighthearted kind of way, but I think I don’t want to hear anything about anyone’s whereabouts after graduation. I’m kind of curious to see if everyone else I know is taking out loans to pay for it all.
Usually at this time I’d be sitting through a lecture, but since we’re in between chapters and we just got back from spring break, I’m dicking around on my laptop instead of doing anything actually productive. I just opened my emails and I finally got the information that I need to make some designs for some local biking events. The problem is that I spent all of spring break pondering some possible designs and I just could not come up with anything whatsoever. I don’t think the information should be needed to come up with at least something, but I got nothing done. The “getting nothing done” also applies to a bunch of other things I told myself that I would do over spring break, but it’s over now so I might as well start late instead of never.
Some notes to self:
Anyways to elaborate on what I was saying yesterday, my awareness surrounding how I’m perceived has made me kind of hesitant to just upload whatever I decide to write. A few years ago, I used to have a Dreamwidth journal that I would treat as a diary. I don’t think I want to look at it, and it’s a little embarrassing knowing that that’s on the internet (maybe I should take that down then?). Hell, even my past logs here are filled with things that I’d rather other people in my real life not see. It’s much easier to lay bare in front of strangers as they say (who is they??). Teenage angst sure is something! Jeez I sound stupid I’m still a teenager.
Man, I love sitting in the back of the class. I wouldn’t have been able to do this if I sat where I used to sit. Although that’s more of a problem with the person I was sitting next to (my ex) and not where I was sitting. I think I should probably get to work on whatever the fuck I left for myself before break. Also just wanted to make the remark that for some reason there was a shit ton of hair on my desk? Like, just stray strands of black hair that I had to sweep off and shake off of my planner.
9:03 A.M.
4:42 P.M.
I’m still in a daze, but I fell asleep on the car ride home listening to “Is It a Crime?” by Sade and I’m still sleepyyyyyyy…,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, but I have so much work that I should be doing (when do I not have work to do) so I’m sitting nearly slumped over my desk resisting the urge to just lay down in bed. This was definitely my own fault because I didn’t go to sleep until nearly 2 A.M.— too busy playing Taiko with a special someone.
I just remembered that I should be going through our new piece for orchestra! We’re playing it with the band— “Gusty Garden Galaxies”! The first violin part is nearly all 8va though, which is why I should probably go through it for a bit. I think I’ll do that until dinner starts and then I’ll get ready for the rest of my homework.
4:48 P.M.
Sunday / April 6th / 3:53 P.M.
Looking at my website almost makes me feel like I'm Narcissus staring into my reflection in a pool of water that I painstakingly scooped from the depths of my brain into a fountain I half-assedly built. I'm writing this while simultaneously trying to make this new log page because it seems as if my attention span has dwindled to that of a candle wick that was lit and then cut short haha!!1
I think if I see one more person commit to the university I got accepted to but can't afford (without racking up copious amounts of debt) I might have another crashout over what my purpose in life is. Another part of my brain is telling me to just shut the fuck up and deal with it because if not being able to go to college is my biggest problem then it's not too bad. Like it could be worse and it's pointless to compare my problems to others but it is absolutely infuriating to me that the reason I'm so hesitant to commit to a college (I've narrowed it down to two) is because no matter what I choose, I'm going to be saddling my parents with so much more financial strain and myself with student debt that I don't know if I'll even be able to pay back because when is the economy ever getting better??? not to mention the job market housing market market market idfk.
I'm not sure how long I'll keep up with this page, but I think it's got a promising start. I've been passively thinking about how much of myself I really want to put on display, because sometimes I ramble and I fear that when I look back it'll be far too much that I'd want to show to anyone I know should I also want to show them this site, but when have I ever told anyone about it besides my siblings? If you're reading this (no they're probably not lol), I love you guys.
4:14 P.M.
5:39 P.M.I've got Sway by Bic Runga stuck in my head because of the beabadoobee cover... I've been thinking about what playlist video I should make next. I've already got two set up, but I don't know if I'm totally happy with them. What even is "being happy" with a playlist video when the original goal was simply to share music that I enjoyed? Something for myself to ponder, I guess. I'm going to try to get back to work on revamping the food log page next.
5:40 P.M.