january 20th, 2025


20:22
my brain is still mush
i went hiking with my family today near the beach; the tides were high and it was kinda chilly. as we walked away from the shore and into the hills, the sound of the waves faded into birds chirping and scattering the sand. i'm replaying it in my mind because i found it so beautiful!!
on a more melancholic note, we were having brunch when i got hit with The Indescribable Sadness. i thought it might've had something to do with my very recent breakup, but i've been thinking about it (the sadness) the entire day and maybe it isn't sadness, but yearning. i was having such a good morning; a picturesque walk and a delicious meal, and yet i couldn't help but feel so empty.
when we came back home, all i could do was lie in bed and fool around on my phone, and the phone took hold of me for an embarassing majority of my day. i'm too tired to describe my thoughts and feelings well, but i think that i've just been very mentally drained and trying to use my phone to cope only made me even more mentally drained.
because of the brain mush, i haven't been keeping up with my habit tracker. i had to make the design so that the sheets would fit on good ol' American paper, so i feel sort of compelled to use it. i haven't seen that many personal size planner designs that work on US letter paper, so if you're interested in them, let me know!! maybe i'll upload them here one of these days.
back on the topic of yearning... my first relationship only reaffirmed my desire to put myself first. i was with someone who expected me to drop practically everything for him-- he didn't like that i was in a band, he didn't like when i was with my friends, he wouldn't come to terms with the fact that i am a politically active person, holy fuck there is so much that i just couldn't do when i was with him;;;
i wish i felt a little bit more. it's not like i'm heartbroken by this-- in fact, i'm quite relieved that i'm out of this relationship. but when i'm not with other people, and i'm alone in my room pouring out my nearly-uncensored thoughts onto the internet, i'm just so empty. ok i think i've got it now!!!!!
a part of me is completely fine with mediocrity and doing nothing/doomscrolling because i am just so tired and it is the easiest thing to do, but another part of me is so frustrated that i'm not doing anything. it's like the former part has complete control over my body, and while my eyes are glued to the screen, i'm trapped inside myself trying to rip away from it so that i can go do something more fulfilling. i tried to practice the violin today. technically, i did play it and practice certain sections of the piece i'm working on, but the underlying fear that it wouldn't bring me "fulfillment" came true. it was nothing but a chore
at this point, i'm probably just typing so that i can avoid my homework. it's only two weeks into the semester, so procrastination hasn't bit me in the ass yet-- but i really need to catch up with my DE homework. ugh............. what the hell even is "fulfillment" at this point? there's nothing that i want to do, but tons of things that i need to do. i'd say that i want some more sleep, but i've been saying that i want more sleep for years and it hasn't really done much, has it

21:33
ack i really have to do my homework but i spent over an hour working on my website... ahh the joys of procrastination. maybe some reading for fun will fix my sour mood, but i really have to force myself to work at some point... i still have a whole ass speech to write and a scholarship application to fill out. it's so funny that it's almost as much work as doing college apps. haha. haha. HAHAHH.ghguhgghghg.ghjljkfhaskhjfhjkshkjf. can you tell i want out of this? i hope tomorrow is lighter